Creating Unshakeable Self Confidence
This podcast teaches women just like you to have the self confidence to express who you are so that the world KNOWS you just by looking at you. Style is the outward expression of the way you feel about yourself on the inside. There is a confident stylish woman inside of you, and as your style coach, it’s my job to help you find HER. So you can look stylish and feel confident every single day. I invite you to learn more by visiting me at sheribrasier.com
Creating Unshakeable Self Confidence
114. Transforming Your Relationship with Food, Emotions, and Self-Worth: A Conversation with Maryam Ebtehadj
What if you could totally change the way you see food, handle emotions, and show up in life with confidence and joy? Today, we’re hanging out with the incredible Maryam Ebtehadj! From her architecture days in Tehran to empowering women and shaping young minds in Houston, Texas, Maryam’s story is nothing short of inspiring. She’s a life coach, educator, and interventionist with a magical knack for helping women—and she’s here to spill her secrets on living your most radiant, balanced life.
We’re diving into everything from letting go of perfectionism to embracing a little chaos (the good kind!) and learning how to thrive instead of just surviving. And of course, we’re talking about how to bring your inner sparkle to the outside—because it's all about the style here, right?
3 Things We Chat About:
- Ditching Control and Finding Joy: Why letting go of rigid rules can make life way more fulfilling and fun.
- Style, Self-Care, and Confidence: How dressing up, showing up, and little acts of self-care can do wonders for your mood and mental clarity.
- Breaking Free from Limitations: Tackling those pesky societal pressures and self-doubts so you can celebrate your fabulous self every day.
Make sure to listen! Maryam is delightful and you'll love her!
You can connect with Maryam here: www.MaryamEbtehadj.com
About Sheri Brasier:
Sheri Brasier (Bray-zure) is a boy mom, wife, entrepreneur, motivational speaker, an Advanced Certified Life Coach and Personal Stylist. She is passionate about helping women build their self image, love their life and who they are, and express themselves through their personal style.
She certified through the Life Coach School and is Advanced Certified in Faith Based Coaching with Jody Moore. She has been a guest teacher in Modern Charm School with Judith Gaton, a presenter at Pinners Conferences across the nation, and a guest on multiple podcasts.
Helping women see their own brilliance and be confident in who they were designed to be is her ultimate passion because confident women change the world.
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sheribrasier.com
Thank you, miriam, for coming and being a guest on my podcast. I'm so excited to get to know you and ask you all the questions and hear all about you, and I'm just so grateful that you came. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Sure, thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here, yeah.
Speaker 1:So tell me all about you, tell me what you do and where you live and if you're married and if you have kids, and just a little bit about you, and then what you do for your business.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure. So my name is Mary, I'm Epta Hodge and I am originally from Tehran, iran, but I've lived in Houston, texas, for most of my adult life. I am married and I have two children. They are 11 and 14. So, middle schoolers I have two middle schoolers, boys or girls my daughter, who is 14. My daughter is a girl and then my son is 11. So it's sixth and eighth grade. Oh, good, one of each, good, yeah. So my background is I studied architecture in college. Okay, then I. It's a long story, but when I moved to US after finishing college, things changed. I had to, like, find my way and all of that stuff. So I got certified as a teacher, I started teaching and then, somewhere in between, I went back to construction world and started, you know, working there for a little bit before my kids came along, and then, when I became a mother, I went back to teaching and for the past few years, I've been doing both coaching and teaching.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, so I'm a life coach and a teacher, I guess, with a little bit of what I shared with you about my background in architecture. What do you teach Right now? I've taught many things over the years, but right now I'm an interventionist. I help the kiddos who are lower in reading and they need more focused attention. I work with small groups at the school I work at. I just pull them and help them catch up. Okay, okay, and my day job as a teacher.
Speaker 1:Okay, so elementary school, elementary.
Speaker 2:Yes, I work with third through fifth grade in elementary. Okay, I taught arts in the previous years during COVID and after that, you know. So after after COVID I've been doing intervention, but throughout COVID I taught art. Before that I taught several different grade levels, again all in elementary that's so cool you are multi-faceted you.
Speaker 2:You got it, you nailed it. I'm a multi-passionate person in general, and my life shows that. I guess my life experience shows that. Even my, my coaching shows that too.
Speaker 2:As I was preparing for this conversation, I was thinking about, you know, all the different things that I've coached on. I started coaching my, it was when I started. Coaching was all rooted in my own experience as a mother. So my challenge was to stay present, and by that you can you can apply any meaning you want to that. Oh yeah, like I'm not yelling at the kids, to like not being being mean to myself. Um, you know, just letting go of that guilt that is sometimes attached to parenthood and just finding your feet as a mother is not always easy, and people talk about it much. So, yeah, so that's how I started.
Speaker 2:I started by coaching parents and then eventually, as it does, life took different turns and I had many different conversations with many different people and a few of my clients were physicians and somehow, through referrals and renewals and all that, I found myself ending up in the world of the physicians female physicians, oh cool. So right now I'm like almost all of my clients are either physicians. I have one who's a dentist and one who does the management system in a physician's practice. So mostly there, and I think it's mostly because my business is built to referrals and that's where I am.
Speaker 1:So what do you coach the physicians on? What's your?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good question. So the first couple of physicians I worked with were working on weight loss, and so some of my work has been with resetting your relationship with food, if you will like finding that equanimity that you want to have in regards to food, which, when you build that relationship, as a cherry on top, the extra pounds are also going to.
Speaker 2:So my approach was and is to. My approach to weight loss is just by focusing on the relationship that these wonderful women have with themselves and from there, when you apply all those emotional regulation techniques and you manage your thoughts and all of that, eventually you create that ease within the realm of resetting your relationship with food and losing weight. So so, yeah, so, eventually the weight also comes up and in the end, what I noticed is it's not just that people feel lighter in their bodies, they also feel lighter in their heads and their hearts and their mind everywhere. It's like shedding all the extra burden that we can.
Speaker 1:oh my gosh, yes, yeah, yes, yes, yes, oh, my gosh, that's so good. That's so good because it's so funny.
Speaker 1:I was just thinking yesterday, when I was last night, as I was going to sleep I don't even know why this, this even came up in my brain, probably because that's the time that you, like, your brain is trying to like shut down, and so it like throws all the things that are in the back of your brain and I don't know what happens, but anyways, I was thinking, um, that there is so much less drama in my head about my body and the way that my body looks and the way it should be or shouldn't be, or just all of it.
Speaker 1:I I, um, since 2019, have lost a hundred pounds myself. It's been a process like it's been a process. I lost quite a bit early on, you know, and then over the last several years, I've just kind of fine tuned some things and lost a little bit more here and there, you know, and I've noticed I was thinking last night wow, here I am, this is the place I'm at, where I don't have the drama and the self-criticism and just the self-loathing, yeah, of of my body and who I am and my worth and like all of that. And looking back over the last five years it's been almost six years it's been a journey, for sure, but it has all been around managing what I think, noticing what is happening in my brain and taking radical self-responsibility for it absolutely.
Speaker 2:And then?
Speaker 1:what it's creating.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and that's hard that's the hard part, but once you get the hang of that as you practice that. You know I somehow I have this relationship with the word miracle because I think we all not only do like we, we are miracle workers in general that's what I think of all of us humans and we also have a chance to live in the miracle the whole time. We just don't notice it. And so one of the one of the ways I look at the work I do is, like you, things that you think are just impossible to do and sound like miracles.
Speaker 2:Once you decide to step into the identity of I am a miracle worker and a miracle is nothing but and I have borrowed this from A Course in Miracles but it's nothing but just changing the way you see something, just a small shift. It starts there, like you can still be in that body that is a hundred pound, you know heavier than what it is now, and you can decide that in that body that is a hundred pound, you know heavier than what it is now, and you can decide that I'm going to accept it and change the way I look at it. And ironically, since life is paradoxical, once we open up room for that acceptance, letting go of what doesn't serve us anymore, becomes so much easier as opposed to like grinding and like resisting and pushing back and going to like difficult, you know, picking up difficult regimens and diets to shed the weight. It's like I'm just going to decide that I'm going to love this body. I'm in, I accept it first, love it next if that's accessible and possible, and then from there do what's best for me.
Speaker 2:Instead of you know what the society wants from me, what my programming wants from me. My conditioning told me I should be doing just I do it for me whatever's good for me, like I'm just going to be nice to my body, putting good foods in it, taking care of it, and like, yeah, it's so much more aligned with personal values, it's so much more aligned with who you really want to be rather than what you really want to do. It's more becomes more aligned with who you really want to be rather than what you really want to do.
Speaker 2:It's more becomes more of a state of being than what I do, so fascinating once. You, and I'm sure you have done the work too. So I'm just in love with the work and as hard as it may be it's just some it always has had a pull on me and and I love doing this kind of hard work because eventually it results in your expansion, whereas other kinds of hard work meaning things that we should on ourselves does not necessarily result in permanent expansion and it's not something that we can maintain easily, as opposed to you. Pick your heart, and this is the kind of heart that I think I would choose it over and over and over again, and I love being in this arena with the humans I work with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's so good. It really is so good, and I think that I think that what you're speaking to and what I have found myself is that moment where you decided I am going to do something different and see what happens. And you did something different, which was I just decided I was not going to be a bully to myself anymore. That was the. That was the first thing that I did. Very first years ago, eight years ago, nine years ago, I made the decision I'm going to stop being a bully to myself. I'm going to start talking nicer to myself and see what happens. And guess what? Here I am, eight, nine years later. I've lost a hundred pounds.
Speaker 1:I think that I'm awesome. I think I make lots of mistakes too. I think I have a lot to learn. And I think that I'm awesome. I think I make lots of mistakes too. I think I have a lot to learn and I'm I'm here for it, because going through that hard has created so much joy that I didn't even know was available. I didn't even know happiness like this was even available. It's so cool, and I just think that is what you're speaking to is I love the work, because the work that I've done has created so much happiness and so much joy and so much clarity, and we all want certainty. I think that is something that everyone wants is to be certain of things, because when we're certain, we're not confused yeah, and we don't like the feeling of being confused, we don't like not knowing, yeah, and so the work that you and I are doing and have done with our clients is creating certainty in the things that we can create certainty in Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I love your take on certainty and when you added at the end of your sentence a little bit earlier, you said I am going to stop being a bully to myself and see what happens. That and see what happens, it's like the paradox I was talking about. I'm certain about one thing and I'm open to accepting the nature of life, which is so uncertain. Always and forever it will be that way. But there is an area that I can create certainty and that's where I'm going to double down on and, you know, put all of my effort there. I know for sure I'm not going to be a bully to myself and I'm open to see where that takes me. So that brings that non attached way of entering the work, as you say, where, like, I'm attached to doing my work and I'm not attached to a particular result, I am open to see where it takes me.
Speaker 2:And ironically, just because life is a paradox all the time, when we accept that uncertainty to a certain level and we double down on the part that we can be certain about, it really takes us to the part. To most of the times it takes us to the results that we really, really want to create. And if it doesn't, it sometimes takes us to somewhere even better or teaching us something more important about our lives, our existence, our human experience in this three-dimensional body and this short life that we have on this amazing planet. Uh-huh, isn't that?
Speaker 1:right. Yes, that's so good, it's so true, it is so true. I can't even, I can't even tell, I can't count how many times that I've thought I'm going to be open to what happens. I'm going to be open to the possibility and something that I could have never even dreamed is what came out. Yeah, so much better than what I could even think, and so so fun, so good. I love it.
Speaker 2:I love it. I love it. It's. I'm so glad you brought this topic up.
Speaker 2:This is one of my favorite things to speak about.
Speaker 2:It's in every reflection I've ever had about my life.
Speaker 2:It always, you know, I always find evidence there that the more you stay open to possibilities without having a certain agenda, like you may have desires and goals but not having a certain agenda for it, you know, and my whole entire life has been just an example of that, I'm not saying I'm like I've reached all of my goals, but everything that has happened to me has been through some sort of.
Speaker 2:In a way it sounds like a miracle, but but again, knowing what a miracle is or looking at it from a particular perspective, it's like it's just my openness and willingness to do what it takes and be open to what the universe will also bring into me. So it's like just becoming a co-creator with the universe, as opposed to either going against some circumstances that come up for us or trying to take the entire responsibility of I'm going to be the one who's going to make this particular thing happen this particular way at this particular time. And when you put so much force and pressure on it, for me it always has backfired and I have seen that in other areas too the more you're willing to flow and glide with whatever circumstance the universe brings to you and be like I'm here for it. I'm open to create amazing results, no matter what cards have been dealt.
Speaker 1:it's amazing yes, so good. Oh, my gosh, this is so good. I hope that that this is resonating with with people. I, I think I assume that it will be for sure, because this, I think it's just asking ourselves to consider something that we haven't ever considered before, and it's almost, I think, that my clients, some of them, don't want to relinquish that control because they think that by holding so tight to the control of it that they're going to get what they want. But the opposite is true Holding so tight to the way that you think it's going to go is what's delaying you getting the result that you want. That's what's holding you back.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it sounds crazy, but it's so true. I mean a lot of times, especially with, with, not just like our upbringing in this part of the world, but since half of my life has been like in another part of the world, anywhere you look, any anyway, anyhow you cut this human experience anywhere in the world. Um, we, all humans, are being conditioned to, like go to school, get particular grades, um, work really hard, have a, have a set goal and take control and control, control, control or fix, fix, fix, fix, control, control. It can be a mixture of fixing, control and for some reason, maybe like the first half of life, in some areas at least, we see results, even though we see those results with grinding and, you know, a lot of hardship. But since we're young and our bodies are younger and we're like our minds are still a little younger and we have room for that, you know, for that amount of discomfort and we're like our minds are still younger and we have room for that, you know, for that amount of discomfort and that amount of grind we get to our goals.
Speaker 2:But really, like in the second half of life I'm talking about like 3540 and over the same things that got us to that place is not going to easily take us to to our our other goals, because one one reason is we just get physically burnt out from from from performing that way, and so we may reach other goals, but it's like we lose our joy on the way to getting there, and that's something that, like you mentioned, you know I'm going to stop being a bully to myself, something that some thought that I had was I'm'm. I'm tired of just trading my joy with some kind of achievement, and I am willing to be open to both of them being true. At the same time, I can achieve what I like, or at least some of what I like, while I'm feeling, in general, joyful or not completely lose my sense of joy and wonder, have them both, and that's something that is, I think. I think you've seen it too is missing, you know, in a in a large amount from most of you know, at least in the professional world.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that kind of gives me. The thought that comes to my mind is is there's listeners out here that are going to be like, well, where do I start? Like, how do I make that shift, how do I make that change? And there's lots of ways to do it, but for me and for people listening to this podcast dressing fabulously brings us joy and I have seen I'm I'm a hairstylist and so I've been a hairstylist for 28 years.
Speaker 1:So I have had I don't know thousands at this point women that have come into my, my salon, in my chair, and I have helped them create beauty within themselves, and every time they look at themselves and they're like, wow, that was easier than I thought. Yeah, we make it so hard in our minds that then we just get stuck, but when we have someone that helps us, make it simple, make it easier then, it's so much funner to do.
Speaker 1:And so for me, with the style right, like, okay, if we can put on a cute outfit and we can feel cute, like you can feel like you are put together, you look stylish, you look pretty, you look sexy, whatever that is for you, whatever your word is, If you can put yourself together that and you know how to do it, like you know what to put together to create an outfit that makes you feel like you're, you know, know you look like a million bucks. That is certainty. Like I feel so certain that I look great today, um, because of the clothes that I put on, the way I've put myself together. Whatever for me doesn't mean that everyone has to look like I do today, but I know what I like and I know what I, what looks good on me and I know how to create it.
Speaker 1:That certainty is what really deletes so much drama. I don't have drama when I go out into the world. I don't have drama when I go to the store and I'm going to run into somebody that I know, or run into a colleague or a, or a client or you know any. Enter whoever in your mind that you would not see when you're there's in a ponytail and you've been cleaning toilets all day, whatever, right, yeah, yeah, and it's that certainty. I think that is what we're all craving. And if we can figure out how to find certainty in one area, it just deletes so much drama that then it's easier to find certainty in other areas of our lives. Yeah, what do you think about getting dressed and how you, how you put yourself together?
Speaker 2:Oh, I love it. You just shifted something. I mean like just this part of the conversation right now, because I mean you know, we all have blind spots and sometimes you know the example you gave you know, as a hairdresser, like somebody comes to your chair and 30 minutes, 45 minutes later they get up and they're like the more beautiful version of who they are and then they're like it was easier than what I thought, but since, well, some of it is skill, like I cannot give that haircut to myself, or like even a blowout. I try, try, but sometimes it's it's not exactly how I want it to end up right.
Speaker 2:So going to that professional which just takes a decision in the case of a hairstylist, right, making the decision to just pick up the phone and make that appointment, which sometimes I postpone, I'm like find the time.
Speaker 2:I have to find the time to just call. Right, even calling, not finding the time to go in, but finding the time to calling, and all these lies that we keep telling ourselves. We're like pause, it only takes two minutes to make a phone call and you can create those two minutes whenever in the middle of your busy day. Right, just make that phone call, get your calendar, put that you know hour for yourself in the day there and just go. And once you go, like the hard part is made to me is always making that appointment.
Speaker 2:Oh for sure Once the appointment is made and I commit to this other human being who's going to be there for me, then I'm going to get my butt over there. But the rest is easy. I'm like, no, it's not hard, it was easy. I just got there and I, you know, I had a budget for it and all of that. So, like we just got it taken care of. So same thing with fashion and dressing up and you know style. You're so right.
Speaker 2:We have all these excuses. I mean, I know for a fact, I do. We're like oh, I don't have the time to go shop, or what I have is good enough, or what I'm wearing right now is fine and, truthfully, where I am in life sometimes it is fine. It's not like I'm like I'm okay with like, going get my sweatpants to the grocery store and buying stuff.
Speaker 2:But it's really good to get curious and see some of these thoughts that are floating in our heads and are burdening us without us knowing. And it could be like only like 10% of our burden, but 10% here, 5% there and like 2% there. When you take care of those loose ends, it's the compound effect of it that it just makes you feel lighter in your body, and so when you're lighter, you glide better, there's less friction. So they may seem like little things to some people and maybe big things to some other, but like in general, big or little, any burden you get off of your shoulders and clean up your thoughts and feel better about yourself just sets you up for creating more of that feeling in your life by doing, you know, taking actions that take you to better places in general, wherever you want to go.
Speaker 1:I love that, I love that. Yeah, I mean, how many times have you, as a business owner, thought, oh, I need to, I need to do that thing, whatever it is? Like I need to call that client, or I need to make that video, or I need to record this training, or, you know, I need to go make, you know, do a lunch date with a, with a potential client or a colleague or whatever. Like you need to do the thing, whatever that is, that's going to move your business forward.
Speaker 1:And you're like, oh well, but I'm in sweats today, or I'm in a you know, I didn't really do my hair or I don't really have any makeup on or I, whatever it is, whatever those thoughts are that end up stopping you from doing the thing that will move your business or your life forward, because you don't feel confident in yourself. You don't feel that certainty, right? And so years ago, when I was a hairstylist, working in a salon with other you know, fabulous hairstylists, right, I decided then that I was going to put myself together every day to a certain I was going to put myself together every day to a certain level, like I decided. The level I was going to be every day. That was like my minimum. It doesn't matter what's happening today.
Speaker 1:My baseline is this, and it was. It was going to require me to get up earlier, make a couple of decisions before I went to bed, make sure that I had whatever clothes clean, like it was going to require me to do some work right on the other, on the end of maybe before I was going to get up in the morning. Right, whether it was decisions, whether it was figuring out a routine, getting close, whatever it is right, yeah, and I realized that's going to require me to do some things first to be ready for it, and it required me to create a little bit more time in the morning to get ready. But then what ended up happening? Was I in the process of doing that. So in the doing of it, I created some systems and some cheats for myself that actually in the morning getting ready than I had before, and I thought I was creating less time.
Speaker 1:Creating less time yeah, I thought that that's what was going to happen. Was I was going to, I was going to spend more time getting myself ready, and so I was losing time doing whatever else I was doing.
Speaker 1:but really what ended up happening was I created systems and routines and things that ended up saving me time in the morning and I felt put together to that baseline and it was easy, and then I just was able to grow from there, whatever that looked like for me and that was that was kind of life-changing for me.
Speaker 2:I love that. That's so true. It takes intentionality, like I think like the trick. Right there is like look, when I set my intentions to, this is my baseline. I'm not going to argue with myself in the morning when I wake up like I'm not going to be like today.
Speaker 2:Our baseline is I don't know x, while tomorrow it's going to be y. This is it, and this is a decision I made, and now I'm going to be very intentional about it. It's on me to like just create that time to make the miracle work. And again it brings me to like the thought that it's like we are constantly creating these miracles bigger, small in our lives, things that we think it was impossible to do. Like you would think getting up and getting ready would be a lot, um more time consuming and harder, and like you're going to be rushing out the door with a lot more adrenaline in your body because you probably are going to be, you know, running late or whatever because you spend so much time in getting ready. But once you make that a habit and have that baseline and have that decision and it's not a one-time thing that you're just waking up and doing it starts looking like it's actually a miracle where you have more time on your hands, and that isn't the power of your intention and following up with yourself.
Speaker 1:I also noticed. It's the mind chatter that's in your mind all day long about things that you can't do or shouldn't do or aren't going to do right, or like all of the things. There's so much of that. That just was deleted because it didn't matter if someone wanted to go to lunch great, I'm ready. It didn't matter if I needed to run an errand great, I'm ready. It didn't matter if I went to work and someone canceled, let's say, and I needed to, you know, do a, run an errand or go to the store or whatever it was, meet with a, with a colleague or whatever, I was ready. And so there was so much drama in my brain that was just gone because I had taken that intentional time in the morning and it literally just transformed so many things in my life. It was crazy.
Speaker 2:I love that and I think it has an impact on our energy too, cause if you're setting yourself up that way and this mind drama, this chatter takes energy, like physical energy. Sometimes it really makes you hungry like real hunger, not emotional hunger, really. Cause it's like constant, constant, constant. Like real hunger, not emotional hunger, really. Cause it's like constant, constant, constant. So true, that is so true. It's like you save and savor your energy. So throughout the day, even if you don't go out with your colleague, even if there's no lunch to like that lunch date or anything, you just move through your day with a lot more energy, cause you're not wasting it on that inner chatter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, my's so true, that's so true. It takes so much energy, that chatter they come, you're not as exhausted at the end of the day you're.
Speaker 2:I mean, these are all the like side effects of, like, a simple decision that you just talked about, which helped you with style. And it always blows my mind where, like, we just do one little thing in one area and then see the ripple effects of it in so many other areas. Like, at the end of the day, for some reason, I have more energy to go now do my workout too. Like you know, like one decision in one area which conserves your energy and keeps you lighter makes a lot of other impact in other areas of your life, yeah it's.
Speaker 1:It's so crazy and who would, who would? Who would think that you know, wearing a, wearing a intentional outfit, would delete so much drama and create so much more energy to do the things that really make a difference in your life and are really important to you. So now I want, I want to ask you a question about your own style. What do you think your personal style is? Well, how would you describe your personal style?
Speaker 2:Ooh, that's a good question. I'm not sure if I have words for that, but I'm going to try and describe it. So what do I want to say? I think you know there are particular occasions that you have to dress a particular way and there's no questions asked about that, at least in my mind. I'm like oh, we're going to somewhere like a wedding, and so that's the dress code and that's it right.
Speaker 2:But for most of other areas of life, just because of my own personality and I don't know if it's a justification or what you can tell me later but I feel like when I buy clothes, I try to like buy the kind of clothes that I can wear to work um, as a teacher, I can also wear when I'm, when I'm coaching my clients, um, I can also go to, like a family party or gathering, something casual but to look well put together, um.
Speaker 2:So, and I think another thing about me is that I didn't always used to be this way, but as I grew older, I became more of a minimalist. So, like, um, before I may have gone out and bought like five different patterns and five different, you know, looks of clothes and whatever, but eventually this is what I've noticed as I reflect back in the middle of this conversation. Actually, this is what's happening in the real time as I'm thinking, I am buying fewer items, but there are items that I really love and I have practical use for it. They look good on me, my body and I can. I know well.
Speaker 2:I can't be a hundred percent sure, but for the most part I know that I'm going to be wearing them a lot and also they have to feel comfortable on my body, like there is no way I can convince myself to wear something that is uncomfortable on my body, even though it may be super beautiful, maybe at a wedding, but like, or a gala or other than that.
Speaker 2:Other than that, I don't want to compromise my, like I said, joy and comfort in a certain level, and I believe that it can come together with any kind of achievement, like, if you want to achieve a good look, you can feel comfortable and quite happy in your body and also wear something that looks good on you. So so now my closet is limited, very limited compared to I don't know 10-15 years ago, but I wear those items over and over and I love them and they feel good. I mean, I have to confess I have some days that I don't look as good as I want to or like even that baseline. The idea of baseline really resonated with me from what you shared, so, like you gave me an idea, I really want to set a baseline. What is my baseline? Because some days I do believe that I don't have a baseline. So when you don't think about it, you don't create it.
Speaker 2:And so you go with whatever. Some days are just a whatever day.
Speaker 1:And I think it's fine to have a whatever day, Like I think it's fine to have those days. I just think that they come less often than we think they do. Those whatever days that you're just in your sweatpants and lounging around, those days aren't actually as prevalent as we think they are. Right. There's more days that we want to look put together and we want to look good.
Speaker 2:There are more of those days than days that we're just going to lounge around of those days than days that we're just going to lounge around. Yeah, I mean, and I'm not going to lie If you ask me do you want to look good? Even when I'm lounging around, I do like who would say I don't want to. You may say I don't care much, but you, I have never heard a human being say I literally don't want to look good if it's possible to be comfortable and look good.
Speaker 2:So sometimes I question myself, even with the clothes I wear around the house, like the sweatpants or like pajamas and whatever, sometimes it's just really whatever. But with the people who live with me my children, my husband and, you know, family members also, uh, and myself, you know, I don't have to always have the front really pretty for the outside. So, even like this sense of style that you're talking about now I'm not saying I, I'm, I'm not living that, but it's a value I like and I like to. As I'm speaking with you, I see the shift in my own way of thinking where, like, I deserve to wear nice pajamas and every once in a while just switch them around and like, buy new ones that look good, and even at home, even with my immediate family, just feels better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. And that's the thing is, when we start to dissect it and we start to really ask ourselves what we think about that. We all want to look good always. All want to look good always. But I think we have this should, that we should on ourselves, right, like what does that mean? Does it mean that I have to look good, the way that Sherry says looks good, or the way Marian thinks looks looks good? So that's that's the conversation that I love to have and really is transforming for my clients is what do you want and how do you want to feel? Because I can help you feel beautiful in a pair of joggers. I can. I can do that. I have a hundred percent confidence in myself that I can do that. It's just what happens in my brain. I can just see it Right. It doesn't matter what style you want to have, I can help you look good.
Speaker 2:You know, you remind me of back in the days when I said architecture. It's like when you're designing a house. It depends. You want mid-century modern, I can help you with that. You want a different, like, you want a Gothic design, I can help you with that, because you have the knowledge and it's basically breaks down to knowledge, skill and taste and you put all that together and so that's a great combination to have. You can help people with whatever style they want, not necessarily one kind that works for you. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because it all depends. I mean, I'm sure that you see this with architecture. Well, it doesn't really matter what I think, it matters what you think and how you feel. Well, it doesn't really matter what I think, it matters what you think and how you feel. So how can I help you achieve that feeling and that look? It's not about what I want you to look like and what I think looks good on you. It matters how you feel when you look in the mirror. How can I help you get that feeling that you want?
Speaker 2:That's amazing, that's really good.
Speaker 2:You remind me of a very recent conversation I had with a client who she's working on relationship with food, and so she she was, as we were talking about the holidays coming up.
Speaker 2:She was like, you know, I do want to look good and you know, in the pictures and in the gatherings we go to, and I have purchased a couple of clothes that um, clothing items that I know that I'm going to feel good in and I'm going to um be able to, and it complements my body.
Speaker 2:Whatever weight I am right now, like not waiting for that pounds to shed before I go and buy what I want, because it's going to be a waste of money if I buy it for this body type and then later, because putting that thing that is beautiful on you right now, what kind of feeling does it give you it? It's so different, the feeling you feel than when you tell yourself, well, right now I am this number of pounds and so I'm gonna wait until this number changes, so for now I'm just gonna wear whatever. And so we weigh ourselves down. It's amazing that you can apply the skills that you have in whatever body you are in right now and feel amazing and that boosts you in going out there and getting your goals. Whatever those goals are, and if one of them is like healing your relationship with food and, you know, shedding pounds and feeling lighter in your body, it only sets you up for doing that with a lot more joy and feeling good about yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what I? I have challenged several of my clients with the whole well, if I buy the clothes now and then I lose weight, then I have to buy the clothes again and I don't want to spend the money and I was like but do you want to be the size?
Speaker 1:yeah, Do you want to be the size smaller? Well, yeah, I do. Then you've got to buy what looks good now. You're not going to get to the size smaller if you don't like yourself now. And isn't it going to be worth the money that you spent on the outfit that you're wearing to Thanksgiving dinner and you feel like a million bucks? Isn't that worth the money? That you're wearing to Thanksgiving dinner and you feel like a million bucks? Isn't that worth the money? Like if I had a feeling in my hand that you want for Thanksgiving dinner, what's the feeling that you want to have? You want to feel beautiful. You want to feel worthy. Whatever, it is right Like. I want to feel confident about myself.
Speaker 2:I want to feel confident. I thought the same confidence was really good with, especially with, thanksgiving dinner. The first, the first feeling that came to you was like confident and happy.
Speaker 1:I want to feel confident, I want to feel beautiful, I want to feel like I'm, like I look good, right, right. If I had that in my hand, if I had that feeling for you and I said I have that in my hand, it's going to cost you a hundred dollars. Would you give me a hundred dollars if I could give it to you? You're asking me yeah, a hundred percent. Would it be worth a hundred dollars? Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I mean, we spend money on so many things that we're sure are not going to give us that feeling we like.
Speaker 1:Okay, but what if it only lasts an hour, this feeling? Would you still do it. Is that a question for me again? Yeah, a question for you. Would you still give me, give me $100 if I could give you the feeling of confidence for an hour?
Speaker 2:You know, if I can, I probably would say yes, even if it's for an hour for me right now. Because how I see it is if I can feel that feeling in my body and I really taste it and I know what it tastes like and with the work I personally have done, I know that it is so worthy for me to even even for an hour that feeling that is hard to reach for me, if that's confidence. Confidence if it's like joy, joy, whatever it is, because I know, if I'm intentionally sitting in that feeling or walking in that feeling for one whole hour and being very aware of it, now the awareness is so important. It's not like, okay, give me that feeling and poof, it's going to be gone. No, it's not going to be worth it. But the way I see it is if I taste it and.
Speaker 2:I know where it is in my body and all that good stuff about feelings. I can recreate that. I mean, I can recreate that because I learned that I can tap into my body and get to that feeling because ultimately, the party and the dress all of our circumstances, albeit it's these are circumstances that we want to have in our lives.
Speaker 2:We want to have thanksgiving dinners and we also want to have nice dresses to wear. Right, but also, at a deeper level, when me wearing that dress, when that's a device for me to be able to tap into myself and feel a feeling in me that was hard to reach, then it's totally worth it. It's not so much about the dress. Again, right, the dress is something I love to have. Yes, maybe I just wear it for an hour, but the result I get is I get in touch with my own core self and I'm able to create a feeling in my body that was harder to create with that the aid of that dress.
Speaker 1:So, so, yes, yes, yes, yes, that is so good. I hope. I want to like slow that, all that whole thing down and have people really think about what you just said, because if the dress is a hundred dollars and you're like, oh well, it's a size 20 and I don't want to be a size 20. I want to be a size 10. So I don't want to spend the $100 on the size 20, because then I'll just tell myself it's okay for me to be at size 20 and I just won't do the things that I need to do to get down to the next size. Whatever. We have all this drama, right, you've heard it. Whatever. We have all this drama, right, you've heard it. But what if that hundred dollar dress that you wore to Thanksgiving dinner or whatever it is, that was a size 20, because that was what was your body that time and you felt beautiful and confident and you felt like you looked good and confident and you felt like you looked good, that be worth a hundred dollars, regardless of whether you wore it again, regardless of whether you, you know, bought another dress that is two sizes smaller, regardless of that was what was going to happen. Regardless of all of that, wouldn't that moment that you could look at yourself in the mirror and feel those feelings. Wouldn't that be worth a hundred dollars or whatever it was. Whatever the price was, I can tell you from my experience with clients it is worth it. Yeah, yeah, it's worth it. Because of what you said, I can then recreate it.
Speaker 1:So my clients I was just on a call this morning with a client and we've we've had a couple of sessions. We're going through her closet. She's virtual and so we've had a couple of sessions that we've gone through outfits in her closet and I'm helping her put outfits together from her own closet. She's bought a few things here and there, but mostly she's bought a few key things, and then we're pulling things out of her own closet and putting together new outfits that she never even knew she had in her closet because she didn't know how to do it Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this morning she was like look at these outfits that I made, because I now know the things you've taught me. Yeah, and that is what it is. She paid whatever. She paid right. She bought the clothes, or she paid me or whatever it was Right. And this morning, when we were on the call, she's I can't, I'm gonna go back to my father note taker and see how many times she said this is so much. Fun is one of the things she said over and over and over.
Speaker 2:And the other thing is I am so cute yeah, and that message that you give yourself is priceless. You are worthy and you deserve to feel cute and feel good, no matter what body size you are at this moment. So all I think, all versions of us, all versions of me, deserves to feel good. Me waiting for me to get to that version that will finally deserve, like, a better look or a better you know, better spending or better, whatever. Only set send the message to me that right now, in the present moment, I'm not worthy enough to feel that feeling right now, like almost like we punish ourselves for not being that version of ourselves in any way, like it could be, way it could be so many other things, but like right now I don't deserve to look good and I have to like, punish and force and pressure myself to lose this weight so that finally, like five months from now, I'll be worthy and then I will.
Speaker 2:And meanwhile, we miss these occasions with our, with our family members, but the parties we go to and if you ask, how did the party go, you know that the human experience that we create for ourselves can be so many times, on the scale, better like on the scale of zero to ten than what we allow it to be like we settle for a human experience of four or five, yeah, and be like, okay, that was pretty good, whereas it could have been a nine or ten, and the energy you gain from, you know, giving yourself that boost during the holidays with the family members, blah, blah, blah. Hopefully, hopefully. They're like more of gatherings, that you also feel good with the people around you, but regardless, like you're going to a gathering and so this is how you fill your bucket, so that you can keep going for the rest of the year, for the next week, for you know, you, just it's I think it's the laws of physics, really for you you.
Speaker 2:If you don't fill that bucket, that bucket of energy is going to be low. And for us women specifically, especially if you're parents or you know, wives and whatever caregiver to our aging parents, whatever that could be caregiving, caregiving, giving, giving, giving, giving. Where is that receiving coming from? And I think it can come from so many different sources.
Speaker 1:One of them could definitely be the style you give yourself and what you allow yourself to feel in a nice breath so, yeah, and I think what you, what you just touched on there, is that we have, we don't give ourselves permission to feel the feeling that we want to feel, like we actually restrict ourselves from feeling that feeling that we want to feel until we get to a certain size. Like that sounds absurd, yes, but that's what we do. That's what we do. We restrict ourselves from feeling confident and beautiful because of the size, because of the money, because of whatever else.
Speaker 1:And none of that, none of that matters. Yeah, you don't have to have those things to feel the feelings. You can feel the feeling anytime you want. Yeah. Yeah, so good, so good. I can see your brains going. Yeah, I can see your brain, like you know, yeah, I'm really thinking of Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2:Dinner is coming up and I'm just now more excited about it. Really I am. I'm like that.
Speaker 1:I needed that conversation yeah, and I think we all deserve to feel the feeling. We all deserve to feel confident and beautiful.
Speaker 1:Yes, and certain and yeah and it's just about asking yourself what is in the way of allowing yourself to feel that. What is it that's in the way? And am I putting it in the way for myself because nine times out of ten, that's the answer is, I'm putting that thing in the way for myself Because nine times out of 10, that's the answer is, I'm putting that thing in the way. I can just as easily take it out of the way, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if I'm not taking it out, that's a choice by itself. If I haven't put that in my way, but I'm still looking at it, not removing it, it's still agreeing with it being there. You know that's like another. Yeah, sometimes you think, but this thing is in my way and I didn't put it there you know I didn't choose this. Like genetics, that comes up a lot. I didn't like.
Speaker 2:I'm now at a certain age, my hormones are a certain type and I can't like. No, what if? What if like? If you put all that aside? Like what if you could do something to remove this block right there? And a lot of times our blocks are in the format of the thought that we've thought so many times that it not turned I, turned into a belief and we're like but that's true, that's not like, that's not what if it weren't like? What could you do? Just for five seconds, imagining this is not true and you can remove it out of your way, would you still sit there and be like oh, well you know you wouldn't.
Speaker 1:You'd be like, oh yeah, just remove it and I love that that you just said that, because it gives me this visual of oh my gosh, this is so funny. So we all have kids, right, yeah, and we have husbands and we all are humans ourselves. Because I do this too, like I'm just gonna step over that dog toy because I didn't put it there, so I'm just going to step over it. It's in the way it's, it's in the way it's in the walking path or whatever, but I didn't put it there, so I just have to keep walking over it, like I just have to keep stepping over it.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh gosh. That sounds like something my kids would say I didn't put it there and it hurt my toe, but I didn't put it there, yeah yeah, and it hurt my toe, but I didn't put it there.
Speaker 1:Like, okay, you didn't put it there. It's in the way you can. If you want, keep stepping over it and potentially stubbing your toe, you can still do that if you want, or you could just pick it up and move it yeah and in the in the thought world.
Speaker 1:Right as I make this connection, you can continue thinking what you're thinking you can. It's what's creating this feeling you can. You can continue thinking that you don't have the money and you don't want to buy your buy clothes because or you cannot. You can think something different. You can choose to decide that the money that I'm spending on my clothes at this size, I give myself permission to feel the emotions that that's going to bring for me when I look and feel beautiful and confident. I'm going to give myself permission to spend the money. Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Wow, you know, as you're speaking, some other another visual came to me and I'm like if you're a mother, you know that your kid, when you have a newborn, the kid, the baby, grows. But do we wait until the baby is one before we give the baby an outfit? No, we have one for, or several even for when the baby's only zero to three months. We know that we're going to get rid of these clothes or give them away to somebody else who may need it later, but we gladly do that for a growing baby and the goal is not for the baby to stay at that size. It's not like if I buy this expensive outfit for my baby, that means my baby's gonna now feel bad and stay at the size the baby grows and we do that throughout the years until they're like adult size and we don't make it a problem.
Speaker 2:We're like, yeah, and then we either give it away or sometimes like at least in my case, I know that a lot of times as my babies were growing up, there were hand-me-downs that I got from humans around me and there were times that I would give these mildly used items as a hand-me-down to somebody else. It's like it's such a limited way of thinking, when we think there's this amount of money and I'm going to give it, then it's only for this item where, when you let possibilities to open up, you're like, well, I can be that person who gives it to the next person who may need it and it's mildly used. That's even better, because I'm not in that size 20 anymore. Now I'm a different size, but I can totally find a way to give this amazing piece of clothing to somebody who will need and appreciate it at this size. Right, just like with children, we do this all the time and we don't make it a problem. Why should we make it a problem?
Speaker 1:for ourselves, right. I can't tell you how many clothes I mean. I love clothes. I've always loved clothes. I've always had way more clothes than I should have and whatever right. I've always had a closet full, right, and I got clothes from my clients. As I was losing weight, they would empty out their closets. Whatever. They would bring me their clothes that were smaller sizes. And then in also, I had some clothes that I loved, but they were too big for me now and what I ended up doing was I ended up like taking a moment and appreciating myself for allowing myself to be dressed in that outfit at that size, because I loved it and I felt so good in it. I gave, I took a moment to like give myself I don't know what's the word like permission, no Um gratitude. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That I allowed myself to be dressed in that outfit, and I am now going to give this outfit that made me feel so good about myself to someone else that's this size, who probably also has all the thoughts I had. Yeah, I'm gonna give that to her now so that she can feel good.
Speaker 2:That just felt so much better to me and that's just the shift of looking at the same thing. Like all of a sudden the problem becomes a non-problem. It's not like you solved the problem. You basically looked at it and then like this is not a problem anymore at all, like it's not even a problem to be solved.
Speaker 2:I use this, it's just an item. I use some money to purchase it. Okay, I'm not saying go break the bank and now go under loads of debt to like dress yourselves. That's not the message here.
Speaker 2:But you know, within reasonable action taking, it's something that you do and it's not like. It's even more like what? The way you looked at it and the way I at least I received it and I saw it. It's so much connected to my personal values when I think of things this way and I'm like this is an abundant world, it's more leaning into abundance. I can use it, I can give it to somebody else, somebody else can use it, I can get another, you know piece of clothing from somebody I trust and like or I'm okay with receiving clothes from.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I mean it's not like a dead end where, like I have to spend this much money on this item and it becomes useless, period done and it's a bad thing and I'm not going to do it Right. It's just such a you just talked about growth mindset versus a fixed mindset right there and tying it to gratitude, to your feelings, and giving it meaning, the kind of meaning that is that feels good, because we are always giving meaning to things, but some of these meanings we're giving to things feel really horrible to us. So why do we do that when we have options of giving better meaning, creating better meaning? I love it when you have options of giving better meaning, creating better meaning.
Speaker 1:I love it so good. This has been the best conversation.
Speaker 2:I think I only asked one of the questions that I had written down, but this went in a direction that I think lots of women need, so I appreciate so much you coming on and I hope your listeners take something, just one insight, out of this conversation and roll with it and apply it and change something and come back and tell you about it.
Speaker 1:Yes, I hope so too. I hope so too. This has been so good and because it's the holiday it's Thanksgiving tomorrow as we record this, and I need to get this one out ASAP because of what we talked about, and I think people need it for the holidays so I'm going to move this, this episode, up in the calendar, so I think it will go out next week.
Speaker 2:I think I'm going to put this one out next week Cause I think they need it and it can got to have it Absolutely and it can apply to, um how it's the holiday season, so really, you know Christmas coming up, New Year's coming up, all of that, so yeah.
Speaker 1:I hope. Thank you so much, of course, thank you for having me it was.
Speaker 2:It was really a pleasure Good.
Speaker 1:I'm glad. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. And if people want to find you Cause you sound like like something, someone that a lot of my listeners are going to want to either follow or get your free stuff or maybe even work with you, so how can my listeners find you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'm on Instagram and hold on, I think my handle is my name. Um, it is. It's Maryam M A R Y A M. Last name-M last name is Ebtahaj it's a mouthful, but I'm gonna spell it E-B-T-E-H-A-D-J. That's on Instagram and I talk about all aspects of life, from parenting to you know, most of the relationship you have with yourself, where you can apply it to like that's the foundation of it, right, and you can apply that like you can choose any area of life and just keep going with that foundation. And so that's my Instagram and my website is Maryam Ebtahajcom. M-a-r-y-a-m-e-b-t-e-h-a-d-jcom.
Speaker 1:And will you send those links to me so that I can put them in the show notes? And then I'll send it to you Absolutely, and they won't have to worry about spelling your name, and I have a name that's like that too.
Speaker 2:So my name is Vic. I'm yeah, that's my. That's where I come from. I can't like that's one of those things yeah. So, but I understand, so it's easier to click on the link. If you are ever interested to be in touch, of course I'll send it to you, okay. Thank you so much, and it was such a pleasure having you.
Speaker 1:And thank you, thank you so much, of course, thank you.
Speaker 2:I'm grateful for that too.